Good enough?

November 26, 2008

A bitter cold night turned into a slightly warm morning. The land was still dark as it always is. Kam stirred from her sleep to find herself cuddled tightly against her Netherdrake. The drake laid there awake and ready for Kam’s request. But Kamillia made none. She simple rolled over on to her back and gazed at the darkened sky. Kam could see, in between the black clouds, pieces of bright blue. A bright blue sky was hidden in those clouds. It was a wonder how long it had been since this land felt the warm touch of the sun.

She was a mix of emotions this morning. Disappointed that her life hadn’t slipped away in the middle of the night, and some somewhat gracious to be alive. Not soon after those thoughts, did those of Dredin enter her mind. Tears welled in her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks. The Netherdrake, whom Kam had named Ara after the Rain, cooed at her again in attempts to comfort her. Ara had stayed with her all night in the cold was more or less the reason Kam hadn’t froze to death on the isolated mountain side.

Dredin… Dredin was all she could think about. His words still stung at her heart and rang like bells in her ears. She remembered the anger in his eyes. An anger she had never seen before. An anger that was directed at her. Her doing… all of this was her doing. He left because of her. Kam was the one who broke his spirit. What sort of woman was she? What sort of Knight? She had failed the one person who meant more to her than anyone in this world. She failed her family; her mother, her father, her brother. She had failed her friends. Kam was weak, a weak woman who had done her best to hide the fact. All she wanted was to make everyone happy and proud. None of that had come to be. Least of all… making Dredin happy. How miserable she had made him. All she wished for now was to make things right, but… now it was too late. He was gone. To where? She had no idea. She would never see him again and never be given the opportunity to apologize, and right the wrongs she had done.

She was so foolish. He would be happier with out her. She was never meant to be the one for him. No longer would she have to see his saddened eyes when she was called away on a mission, or miss candle lit dinners because of being exhausted from her work. So many times she had disappointed him, yet he stayed with her. So many times she knew he wasn’t happy yet she forced the idea that he was. All she did was make him miserable. Kam was nothing but sorrow and heartache for him. She knew it all along, but failed to believe.

No. No? No. Kam knew better than that. He did love her, regardless of all she had done. But not enough this time. He had enough of her. Enough of her excuses, enough of her pushing him aside. That was all she did. She made him second in her life. It wasn’t right of her to do that. He deserves so much more. Someone so more worthy of the amazing love that he offers. Kam took him for granted, and now she hated herself for it.

Kam shot up, sitting straight up. She screamed out into the wind. The voice was swept quickly away, as if being hidden under a rug, and burst into tears. She continued to scream, infuriated with herself and her foolish ways. How could she? She was a terrible person. She hated herself.

You’re right. You were never good enough for him. He is already so happy with out you in his life. I see him… sitting in those places with out. Smiling brightly, so content. So happy now that you’re gone.

The voice came with a chill wind and wrapped icy fingers about her form. Kam shivered violently, and ceased her crying to listen to the voice. It was right, and she believed it. She believed its words. They rang true in her mind and in her heart.

You know what I speak of is true… it’s all true. I would never lie to you, not like he had.

Kam looked up, snapping at the comment.

Oh, oops… he never told you? How interesting… You were never the one he was in love with. All this time, another held his heart. You were merely a convenience. He never wanted you. Never. You weren’t good enough.

Was that true? Perhaps it made sense. She was never good enough for him. Kam always made him upset, always so sad… what a terrible thing to do. An awful selfish thing to do.

Kam laid back against Ara, folding her legs close to her. The whispers continued in her mind, repeating their malicious words. She wouldn’t fight them. She knew they were true. Kam was never good enough… not for him, or anyone. Never good enough.

Worthy of Nothing

November 25, 2008

The house was dark. She could feel that he was still there. Looking to the bed, she envisioned their passionate nights, their quiet loving nights where he held her and they spoke of better things, or the nights he would make her laugh and she would do the same to him. So many memories in this house. It was so loud… the sounds of his voice, his laughter. The sound was deafening. Kamillia cried, gripping the rose, the golden band, and his final letter. He would never receive hers. There was no salvaging what had happened. It all turned against them so quickly. There was little time to react. Kam was caught in the undertow of a whirlwind and she felt she was drowning in her sorrow. Her heart… it felt as if it would break into pieces right there in her chest. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t speak.

Knock knock

The gentle tapping came at the door. It was Jeryth. Jeryth… so kind, a constant friend in her life. She wanted to shut him out. Shut out his words of solace.

“Kamillia, it wasn’t your fault.”

But he was wrong. It was her fault. She had pushed him away, broke a promise. She was the one that broke his spirit. It was her fault for him leaving. Just as it had been with Clementis. Kam never learned her lesson. Always, she would put her duties above others, even herself and her family and above all… even the one person she cherished most in this world. Because of her mistake he walked out of her life forever. She would never see him again.

“I can not stay here… I will be in Dalaran.”

At least she was half truthful with him. She would be in Dalaran, but not for long. She rented a room at the inn, but never unpacked. Not but minutes later she was on the back of her drake, soaring over the tall mountains of Ice Crown. The snow, the cold stung her face. She didn’t care. She cried and cried as the drake dipped and glided past peaks of unknown heights. After, at least an hour, they came to a small clearing of snow, high in the mountains. The wind still howled all about them. The comforting drake did its best to shield her from the wind, but was almost toppled over as well. There they were. The drake would be the only one to ever see her in such a state.

On the cold mountain side she wept and wept; crying out his name, calling for him, begging for him to return to her. No one could hear her, but she secretly hoped that somehow he would hear her call for him and come rushing to her side to hold her. There would be no such thing this day. She would be left in her misery to drown her tears into the snow. Then… the thought came to her. A terrible thought. She shook it from her mind. He would be even more upset with her if she were to act on this reckless idea.

For the moment she stopped crying, she gazed up at the sky to watch the clouds part to reveal blue colored blanket of stars. She stared blankly at the midnight sky above, reaching her hand out to touch them. They slipped through her fingers to be covered by clouds again. There was nothing left for her in this hour. She had nothing. All that she loved had been taken away from her, and it was only herself she could blame. Her and her alone. No other.

The drake cooed at her, hoping it would comfort her in her hour of need. Kam turned away from the drake, pushing its head away from her. Lowering its head, the drake took up next to Kamillia, lying with her in the bitter cold snow of the mountain top.

There Kamillia cried herself to sleep with only a Netherdrake to warm her. If she died… at least her pain of losing him would be washed away. And secretly… she hoped for that. There was no living with out Dredin, there was no loving with out him, there was nothing with out him in her life. A love she wished she had shown more often to him. A love that was now nothing but a far away memory.

A cold seeped into her bones, a cold that made her shiver. She did not move and only hoped that by sunrise she would be gone. Silent, and alone. It was what she deserved. It was her fault he was gone and she would always hold that knowing in her heart. His voice ringing in her ears, his voice… ‘You broke my spirit, Kamillia… why?’ She cried out to answer him, but the wind swept away her voice. It swept away her tears. Perhaps… it would take her life as well. There was no living with out Dredin.

With out Dredin… there was nothing worth living for.

Fresh frozen air

November 18, 2008

The air was cold. It bit at her nose and cheeks, burning her throat. She shivered as a cold wind blew over her and wrapped around the harbor then back out to sea. Kam was familiar with the cold, but this cold was different. It chilled you to the bone and froze you through and through. This was where she had always wanted to come. The time had finally arrived, but… she wasn’t in much of a mood to do much fighting. Jeryth knew she wanted to go and he was meaning well by taking her here, but she would have much rather her bed at home sleeping the day away than be there in the frozen north.

Jeryth led her to the recruiting table, where others before her were lined up, waiting their turn to offer their assistance to the Alliance. Kam groaned when she saw the line. It was just that much longer she would have to sit out in the cold. A cold that she didn’t care for much. A cold that she might never grow accustomed to.

An hour passed before it was her turn to speak to one of the captains. He asked her name and occupation.

“Kamillia Varuce, blacksmith, Knight of the Holy O-…”

“Blacksmith. Thank you, miss. Step to the side,” he said to her, ushering her away.

She already felt that this was the wrong place to be. Did she have it in her still? To be a hero? Her mind was still back at home, thinking over the conversation she had with him. How he left her standing there. She couldn’t save him. How can she expect to save anyone else when she failed the one person that she loved most of all? She began to the doubt if he even felt the same love for her as he did before he left. Was that her fault as well?

Kam looked over her shoulder as another ship prepared to leave the docks. If she could just board one, then never return. What was she thinking? If she did not report to her next post she would be looked for and then branded a deserter, and be in more trouble than she would like. She already agreed to stay the length. She would be allowed to return home whenever she wished, but she would have to return within two days time. Kam understood the conditions, and she would obey them.

This frozen world… this place. Would she make her mark or meet her undoing? She didn’t know what lay down the road and for once she was frightened at the unknown of this place.

A rude awakening

November 16, 2008

The tall Kaldorei male strolled up to the door of the quiet Ironforge home. He knocked upon the door and waited. There was no sound from the house, no unlocking of the door. He knocked again and waited. Again, there was no sound. This time he knocked louder, pounding his heavy armored hand against the wooden door.

“Kamillia, Are you at home?”

Jeryth waited for her to respond. There was nothing, and he sighed heavily.

“Kamillia! You can not stay in there forever! The ships have already started to leave! I thought you were going. What are you doing in there? Kamillia!”

Inside the house Kamillia covered her head with her pillow, and tried to drown out his voice. She groaned as he yelled for her from outside.

“Kamillia, please. It has been four days since the guards saw you last. I know you are in there. Kamillia, do not make me break this door down. You know I can.”

“Go away!” She finally called out to him, her voice muffled through the pillow but loud enough for his sensitive elven ears to hear.

“No, Kamillia. I will not go away. Now come out here,” she said with the stern voice of a father figure or elder brother.

“I do not want to! Leave me alone. Go away, Jeryth.”

“1…”

“2…”

“Kamillia, I am warning you… Come out, or let me in,” he threatened.

“Jeryth, please… just go away. I am in no mood. Just leave me be. I beg of you.”

Jeryth sighed, almost growling low. He was frustrated with her and extremely concerned since he had not heard from her in over a week’s time. With out a second thought or another word, the large elf kicked in the door of Kam’s house. She remained under the covers of her bed, unmoved and unfazed by the forced entry. Jeryth moved over to her and removed the covers from her head.

“Kamillia, please. What is the matter?” He asked pleadingly.

Kam did her best to cover her face, knowing her eyes would be bloodshot and swollen from her sleepless nights.

She shook her head, “Nothing… just leave me by myself.”

Jeryth reached to her face, lowering her hands. “You know I can’t do that.”

Kam continued to shake her head, keeping her gaze lowered so as to hide her eyes. She didn’t want him to see her like this and she didn’t feel like explaining why she looked the way she did either. Jeryth waited a moment before grabbing her hands, nearly dragging her out of the bed with one tug.

“Come on then. Northrend awaits us.”

Her body fell limp under his pull, hoping to deter him from pulling more and because of her obvious physical weakness.

“Jeryth, please… I can not go. Not now. Do not ask me why. Simply take my answer as a no,” she said to him nearing tears as she spoke.

He released her and sat down on the floor near her bed. Jeryth gazed up at her with his crystal azure eyes. They were always so warming, so kind. Those eyes could always comfort her. She locked her tired eyes with him for a brief moment before rolling over in her bed and, once again, covering herself with the sheets.

“I am not going with out you, Kamillia. You are needed in Northrend, my friend. The Alliance needs you. You know that, whether you wish to believe it or not at this moment. Kamillia… we need you.”

He spoke quiet calm words to her for several more moments as she lay motionless under the warmth protective covers of her bed. She listened for several more minutes before cutting him off mid-sentence.

“Jeryth, stop. Enough. I do not care to hear anymore. I am not going. I have no desire to travel there. There are many others that would gladly take my place. I will not be missed.”

The Kaldorei frowned at her words, his azure eyes flashed and in one fell swoop he lifted her from the bed, sheets and all, into his arms, and began to make his way out the door. Her eyes sprung wide as he lifted her into the air. She flailed in protest, but her strength was nothing to match his own. Kam might as well have been but a rag doll in his hands.

***

Nearly an hour had passed that she was so brutally taken from her warm home of Ironforge and the comforts of her bed. Now she faced the bright world of a mid-afternoon. She winced as the sun burned her eyes, causing them to water. Jeryth had forced her to change out of sleeping clothes and into her armor, and there the two of them waited. They waited at the dock of Stormwind for the ship that would carry them to Northrend. She was going… even if it was against her will.

Welcome home

November 14, 2008

There she stood. In shock, dumbfounded, speechless. He had come and gone just like that. She stared into, what seemed, nothing but she looked at the spot where that gate had opened and he disappeared through it. She had no words, no thoughts. Kam just stood there and stared at thin air, unable to move.

A matter of minutes passed, and there she stood still. Like a statue on display, daresay she even got some odd looks from the guards. Suddenly her knees buckled under her and she crumpled to the ground of the hall. She did not cry, she did not say a word, she hardly breathed. Kam sat there on the floor of the Hall in silence.

It was several minutes before she moved again, finally returning to the house. She removed her armor as she always does before bed, setting it neatly away in the corner of the room. Kam curled herself into bed and under the covers. There she lay on her back and stared up at the ceiling. Speedy at her feet, nuzzled her gently and affectionately.

The tears… they finally escaped her eyes. She tried her best not to try since he had asked it of her. But how could she not? The realization of what had happened hit her like a shield to the stomach, knocking the wind out of her completely. Kam turned to burrow her face into her pillow, hoping to muffle the sobs that soaked the fabric.

Kam continued to cry into the night, getting little to no sleep. She would not stir from her bed the next day, instead chose to linger inside her home, under the comfort of bed covers. She was unsure of when she would see him next, if at all. Regardless of everything… he was still her husband. The love of her life. But was she still his?

A fruitless search

November 14, 2008

All day… all day she searched. She stayed clear of the Chapel for once. Normally that would be a safe haven for her, but not now. Not in these times.

She found nothing. No sign of him. The last people to have seen him were those of Chillwind, but three days ago now. She had no leads to follow, nothing. All she knew was that he would be here. But where? There were not many safe places to be in this part of the world. So her options of search her limited as were his places of shelter.

The hours grew late, the sun having already set and dark encroaching. She could hear yells from afar in the east. There was trouble. She knew better than to stay any longer than she needed. A failed search to find him. What would she tell Sarah? Dretur?

Perhaps he has left already… returned to Stormwind. Perhaps he is there looking for me now.

She could only hope. Turning her steed about on its heels, she made haste to Chillwind. She would look in Stormwind now. If he was not there… she would be out of options.

A sudden departure

November 14, 2008

Kam burst into her home, nearly tripping over the threshold and almost stepped right on top of Speedy who happily greeted her at the doorway. She looked panicked and pale, bead of sweat forming at her brow. Clumsily, she moved about the house. She ran up and down the stairs several times, gathering all she could remember.

She threw a large bag onto the bed and shoved clothes and other items into it; food, water, trinkets, any armor that would fit. The bag toppled to the floor from the weight of the contents. Speedy curiously investigated the large satchel, sticking his head into the bag. Kam was quick to pick up the bag and tossed Speedy in with the other items that she hastily packed. The unharmed turtle stuck his head out of the opening in the top of the bag, and gave a goofy smile like he always does. Upon seeing Speedy, Kam stopped in her hurried tracks and chuckled. With a kiss upon the head, she removed him and set him on the bed near the bag.

“You will not be coming with me, Speedy. But I promise to return him soon. I will be bringing Dredin home as well. Do not worry, little one. I will not be gone long and you will have plenty of food and water to keep you full and happy,” Kam said to Speedy with a pant to her breath. Speedy cocked his head to watch Kam scurry about.

After several minutes Kam finally stopped. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and buckled the bag, locking the contents securly inside.

“I will bring him back…” She said to no one in particular. “I will,” she repeated in a more determined tone.

Kam tossed the large and heavy bag over her shoulder, gave Speedy a pat on the head and headed out the door, locking it behind her.

***

She flew all night, into the next morning. Kam fell asleep on the gryphon several times, but somehow managed not to fall off the creature. Dretur’s and Sarah’s words played over and over in her head. She feared the worse for her love. She only hoped that she would make it in time to save him.

Finally, she landed in Chillwind Camp. They had seen Dredin not but two days ago and the people there pointed Kam in the direction of the Eastern Plaguelands, Light’s Hope Chapel. Kam thanked those of the Argent Dawn there and they wished her luck.

They told her of the Necropolis that hung over Light’s Hope now. She knew of the Lich King’s advances upon that holy ground. She only prayed, as she traveled on horse back into the Eastern Plaguelands, that Dredin had not been caught in the crossfire of this war.

Kam reluctantly pulled herself from the bed and rose to her feet feeling sore and stiff from a night’s sleep in her armor. She rubbed the back of her neck and saw the rose that he had left her the night previous fall to the ground. Kam picked it up and sighed softly… She missed him, so very much. Rolling her shoulders, and stretching out her back she made ready to leave for Stormwind. Giving Speedy and loving kiss on the head, she said good bye to him and left for the city.

***

Hours… hours and hours of relentless assaults. The Lich King new no bounds with his army. He would withdraw only to attack again moments later. Kam was tired, dirty, thirsty, and need some time to sit. She thought it best to do so at the Canals away from roaming Abominations and the precise strikes of Frost Wyrms. But before she retired for the moment, she took a moment to gaze at the harbor during a lull in the battle. It was beautiful… so quiet and serene.

Suddenly, a blond young woman walked up the ledge where Kam stood atop her steed. Kam eyed the woman curiously as she was clearly a civilian.

“M’lady… it might be best if you retreat to the inners of the city. It is not safe here,” Kam said nearly in the nick of time to hear the Herald of the Lich King cry out the begin anew the battle.

The woman cried out and rushed back to the safety of the canals. Kam was quick to stop an Abomination from following her into the city. The creature had seen its final day and it was slain under Kam’s experienced sword. Now… she went to check for the woman, but before she did, Kam went to gather the flowers that the woman had dropped upon being startled by the commence of battle.

The woman apologized to Kam for being in the way and took back her flowers, and insisted that she be on her way. Upon glancing over the woman, Kam noticed a familiar band about the woman’s wrist. It was Dredin’s very same hair tie that he had worn for as long as Kam had known him. Kam asked the woman about the band and with some convincing the woman revealed to Kam that it belonged to her brother. That made the young woman Sarah Valleri Varuce, the younger sister of her very husband.

The two quickly spoke and finally introduced themselves to the other. They continued to speak for some time. Minutes turned into nearly an hour. Sarah exchanged with Kam some things about Dredin that brought a great worry to her, even more so than she felt before. And suddenly, Kam felt guilty for having let Dredin travel off with out her. She had no idea what awaited him in the Plaguelands, but she felt it was not something that he should be seeking.

The two women said their goodbyes and parted ways. Kam was left with a feeling of dread, and rushed home to retrieve her hearthstone, which she had forgotten. Upon returning to Ironforge she was informed that a letter awaited her at the gryphon master. Kam reached the Gryphon master and retrieved the letter, learning it was Dredin. Her eyes welled up as she took the letter with a thank you and a quick exit.

Kam found a quiet place near her home to read over the letter he had sent her, and quickly burst into tears as her eyes moved over the letter. She had nearly lost him once already, and yet he continued his journey. Placing her face into the letter, she cried. She wanted him home with her, but something told her that she would never see him again. That fear ate at her and threatened to consume her.

A final goodbye?

November 11, 2008

She watched him ride away. Her paladin. Her friend. Her lover. Her husband. She watched him ride away. Suddenly, almost as quickly as he faded from sight, she lost her breath, feeling as if one of those blasted abominations had punched her square in the stomach. She felt sick, out of breath, her face paled. It was a miracle that she didn’t faint right there by the canal. Kam buckled over and broke into a fit of sobbing. There were people around her, yes. But she wept and wept regardless. She wept for him.

Kam tried desperately to catch her breath and to compose herself, but she couldn’t. Her knees gave in under the weight of her armored body, crumbling to the cobblestone street like a paper doll. She cried with all her might, giving herself up to the wave of emotion that broke from her. Reaching for a bit of thread from her side bag, she tied her hair away from her face and wiped the tears from her eyes. She scowled in anger at herself for crying, but she couldn’t help but feel this way.

Why… why do I feel like this? Why do I feel as if he was saying his last good bye to me? Why? Dredin… come back… please… I love you. Do not go… Dredin… Why can I not go with you? Please… stay. Stay here. Dredin.

Her heart raced as these thoughts bolted through her mind. Her hands shook and her knees quaked as she brought herself to her feet. She knew she couldn’t fight like this, even though she wanted to help. Kam was in no condition at the moment. All she could do was to find a night’s rest, even if it was alone.

***

Finally… she was home. She drug her feet to her door and pushed it open. Unlocked? She didn’t care and simply found her way to the lamps of the room, lighting each one. She turned to the bed, and there it was. A single red rose, still fresh. A heavy sigh escaped her lips.

He was home…

Moving over to the bed, she picked up the rose and lifted it to her nose to smell. It was sweet, and it reminded her of him. He always smelled sweet, fresh, like spring water and lillies.  The thought of him made her smile, her eyes watering just a little. She hated the idea of being here with out him, sleeping with out him. She wondered how long she’d have to sleep alone. How long he’d be gone. How long she wouldn’t be able to see his handsome face, or taste his lips, feel his arms around her, hear his voice. She missed him already…  She loved him so. What would she do… what would she do if he were not to return? The thought alone made her shudder from head to toe. She hated this, but she would bear it for him.

Please return home safely, my love…

She thought to herself as she kissed the petals of the rose he had left for her.

I could not live my life with out you. I love you, Dredin.

She lay on the bed, fully armored still, with the rose on her chest and drifted quickly to sleep. Though quick to sleep, her thoughts would not let her rest for long… her dreams soon found him and gave her a peace for the night. She would cherish those dreams til his return to her.

A letter from the past

November 6, 2008

Kamillia,

I love you so much. I heard you had become a paladin, such as myself. I am so proud of you.

I imagine mother and father were so proud of you. I miss them terribly and it seems that this war will never come to an end. I want to be home again with you and them both.

I want you to know something. You did not have to follow my path if you wished to honor me, but I am still happy to know that you did. The path of a Knight is never an easy one, this much I have learned. Do not be discouraged if things become difficult. Stay strong and always follow your heart. Your heart will always lead you down the best possible path. Stay faithful, when all else fails in your life you will always have the Light and your faith to comfort you in the darkest of hours. Never forget that which is truly important, those closest to you. With out the love and support of your companions and family, we are but hollow beings. Cherish your time with them, never push them aside for you may be alone and with out allies. Then is when you will truly be at a need for them. Do not be fearful of aid. Ask for help when you need it. No one will look down upon you for it. It takes much to admit when you need aid, then to be stubborn and refuse it. Know defeat. Only a fool would stay in a situation when it was a hopeless outcome. It takes far more courage to admit defeat than to linger and be taken over. Love completely. Love with all that you are, with your entire being. True love is so rare in these days of ours. I hope that one day you will recognize it.

My dearest little sister, you do me proud. You do the Alliance, our people, our kingdom, and our family proud. Do not be afraid. You shall do great things in this world. Just remember, that no matter what may happen, I shall always be with you.

Go in the Light, always.

Your loving brother,

Lawrence Johnathan LeVante