Another OOC post….

February 26, 2009

The wonderful writers block monster has reared its ugly head. I’m struggling to find the the inspiration to get all my ideas out of my head and on to virtual paper. Bear with me. I’m taking a vacation soon. Maybe I’ll find inspiration there.

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Sword and Board

February 14, 2009

Clashing steel glistened in the canopied jungle. The sun breaking through the thick sky of lush leaves and branches.

“I will not fight you,” came her voice over the song birds.

“Then I’m not leaving,” his voice called out in response to hers.

“You either fight to leave me battered and bruised which will show me that you don’t want me here, or you let me help you.”

He was absolutely relentless. Taunting her into fighting him more and more. Her patience was wearing thin with him.

She sighed heavily. “Vaniel… you are wasting your time.”

“Then prove to me that I am. Prepare yourself!”

He lunged at her and she parried his attack, pushing him back away from her.

“I am finished playing games with you!” She called out to him as she ran towards him with all her might.

It was quick. Over in a matter of moments. Vaniel lay on his back in a small mud puddle, and attempting to catch his breath. Small amounts of blood trickled from his lower lip at the corner and from the temple of his hair line.

“You are good… very good…” He breathed out to her.

She extended her hand to him, offering to aid him in standing. He took it and rose to his feet with a grunt. Vaniel shook his head, mud flying off the short strands of hair that hung about his face. Kam flinched away so as not to be pelted by the mud bath he was giving her.

His words from before were already beginning to sink into her. She knew he was right, but would hate to admit it to him. At least while he was there.

She was hurting. It was so evident. Even to him. Some one she had only just met. How she cursed Mari under her breath. Mari knew her so well, almost as well as Jeryth did. She had sent this man to see Kam. Sending alcohol as a gift. How extremely appropriate. Kam would love nothing more than to drown her sorrow in heavy amounts of booze and tears. Her tears never seemed to dry up. They were always there, just when she thought she was done crying over him. She never wanted to cry over him again. Her mind told her she was being weak by shedding such precious tears for a man that no longer loved her. He would be shedding no tears for her. Why should she for him? But it wasn’t so easy as what her mind told her. Her heart ached and there was little she could do to help that.

Was Vaniel right? Had she really turned her back on her people? Was her way of healing the wrong way completely? All his words… they soaked into her like rain parched ground. He could see her healing. He could see what was missing in her. He knew, yet she never said a thing. She never even told Mari. Unless Mari heard some how. That much she would not rule out completely.

Kam pushed Vaniel away like she had done to everyone else. Everyone was left in the dark about everything that had happened. But no more… it was enough. She had enough.

Working on it… OOC

February 12, 2009

This is an ooc post to let anyone who might read this blog that I’m working on another post at the moment. It’s been hard to get into Kam’s frame of mind that’s slowing my progress. I do promise that it will be done soon enough. Thanks.

Kamillia walked through Dalaran. She kept her gaze lowered but it constantly scanned the city about her. She feared to see people that would want answers. Answers she wasn’t ready to give. Answers she didn’t have. She knew eventually she would have to give them something.

Kam made quick work to gather what supplies she had come for; food, repairs, cloth, and tools. As soon as she gathered these items she would leave quickly to avoid seeing anyone she recognized. She barely looked at the merchants that greeted her warmly and with familiar, friendly smiles. They all knew her by named and greeted her accordingly. She simply smiled back as politely as she could and made her reason for her visit know to them. It was simply business tonight.

Her bag was full to the brim. She barely able to tie the string of it closed to keep the contents from falling out and to the ground. As she made her way across the city to the landing platform, several items fell the cobblestone street. She sighed heavily as she knelt down to gather her items quickly. Suddenly, as if appearing from thin air, a large hand appeared in front of her. She knew the hand well and lowered her eyes even more to the street.

“Kamillia?” He asked in his deep, velvet voice. The only time she heard that tone from him was when he was concerned.

“Yes?” was all she responded to him. Her tone was flat, giving no hint of emotion behind it.

It was Jeryth. One of the people she had been hoping to avoid that night while gathering her supplies for Crusaders’ Pinnacle, where she was being stationed for the time. She knew that his questions would demand some sort of answer.

“Kamillia… what is the matter? Has something happened? Is it Dredin?” His voice was smooth until he spoke the name that made her face pale quickly.

“No. Jeryth, please. There is no need for you to worry.” All she could do from giving her answer to him was to keep her tone as flat, as emotionless, as possible.

“You know I can not do that, Kamillia.”

“Then try,” she snapped back at him, pulling the item from his hand.

She stood to her feet, shoved her things into her bag, and turned his back from him. “I must be off. I have to prepare for battle.”

“What of your heart?” His voice still that velvet she knew.

“It is fine. Do not worry.”

She began to walk away from him. Her head burned as she knew his gaze followed her. Not but several feet away from him she stopped and turned.

“I am sorry for being difficult… I am not myself. I hope you can understand,” biting at her lip was the only thing stopping her from breaking into tears right there in the middle of the city.

He simply nodded. “I am here for you. I am always here for you.”

Kam nodded and turn to continue her less than confident walk to the land platform.

There Ara waited for her. Ara greeted Kam with a welcoming nod of the head and several warm words. Ara may have been the only one to know of what Kam was enduring at this time in her life. Though Ara remained silent in her opinions, only offering words of encouragement and love. Kam ran her hand down the front of Ara’s head in a loving manner, thanking the large Netherwing Drake for her words. Something Ara said though, made Kam turn to look back at the city. Ara was right. She would, more than likely, have a letter from at least someone. So with great reluctance, Kam turned to walk back into the city to check her mail that may have been delivered there for her.

When she arrived to acquire it, there were stacks of items and a large package. Her eyes widened at the sight. Who would be sending so many things in such a short amount of time? Slowly and with care, she combed through them. Several of them were nothing but junk from the auction houses of unsold items that she would need to pick up at her earliest convenience. She sighed heavily at the thought of a trip to Stormwind. A few of the letters were sent from the elders she had visited during the Lunar festival. Quite a few of them were from elders actually. More than fifty it seemed. Her eyes narrowed at one of them. There were two from Jamie, she quickly tossed those into the pile of junk to be tossed away. Another, one of fine made paper and writing, from a long ago friend Mathyus. She hadn’t heard from him in ages. The letter was set aside to read later.

Finally after long minutes of filing and throwing away letter after letter of useless information, she came upon the large package. Slowly, she opened the medium sized wrapped item. There before her was a box that she discovered, after lifting the top, was filled with all the love letters, note, simple messages that she had ever written to Dredin. Enclosed was a letter from him as well. It was filled with words that stung, the burning in her chest returning again as it did the other night when she last saw him. Her eyes filled with moisture as she flipped through the folded pieces of paper.

Kam turned quickly, stomping away and wiping at her eyes. She returned a moment later with another paper, blank, in her hands, a small piece of wood and flint. Her hand moved quickly across the paper.

“Burn them.

-K”

She folded the paper in with the other items required for the burning the letters as well as the letters themselves. Shoving everything into the nearest mailbox, she hid her tears behind an angry expression. Kam then walked down the city street to the landing where Ara awaited her so the two could return to their work.

What now?

February 5, 2009

CccrrrAAAAAAACKKKKK

Jamie stumbled backwards to fall against the curb of the side walk in front of A Hero’s Welcome after Kam’s heavy plate gauntlet that encased her fist made contact with his jawline. Kam stood there trembling as she stared at him hard and cold. She hated him. He deserved what she did to him. And he was lucky that she was so composed. She wanted nothing more to lunge at him again. It didn’t help the pain. It didn’t help anything at all. It was something she felt she needed to do. She knew he wasn’t worth the effort, but he pushed her to her limit. Her temper managed to get the better of her in the situation.

Jamie was right, though. Of course she was still in love with him. Even if his heart had wandered, she would always love him. He was her world, even… even if she did not always show it. He meant everything to her. When he walked away from her he took her heart with him. She felt so hollow, so empty, so void. A numbness came over her body. She felt nothing from her neck below. She may as well have been one of the walking dead. Her mannerisms were very similar; only responding when called, staring off at nothing, a slow deliberate speech, calculated movements.

Then there he was. He had seen what she had done to Jamie. All of the hurt returned when she saw his green eyes. Her pounding heart that no longer beat in her chest, seemed to be beating in her ears. Another fainting spell? No. She wouldn’t allow it. Her hand slipped into her tabard and crumpled the pages of the letter he had just sent her, not an hour before all of this had happened. A letter that just tore at her emptiness, making it larger within her.

With reluctance, she turned to leave, raising her head up so that the blood could flow back into it. As she walked the street swayed and wavered. She would have to leave their eyes before she collapsed again. Kam was not in her peek condition but she had nothing else to do with her time. She was not going to stay in Stormwind and Ironforge. She was not going to remain in Dalaran. The thought of seeing him again and not being able to walk up to him to slip her hand into his, to kiss his cheek softly… the thought of not being able to do those things brought heavy tears into her eyes.

After she rounded the corner from Jamie and Dredin, she broke into a full sprint across the city. Her lungs burned for air as she continued to run. Her, all but dead, heart beat furiously against her chest. But she continued to run. She ran to the limit of the great city of Dalaran to stand on a high ledge. Down below her was Crystalsong Forest. It was several thousand of feet to the land below her. Slowly, she inched her way forward and leaned to peer over the ledge to the scene below. The heavy cold wind whipped all about her which caused her, now, short cropped hair to fly messily about her face. Slowly and carefully she breathed. Her mind was racing with all the thoughts of the day behind her; Would she be able to live with out him? What was left for her now? Where would she go? What was her life if she couldn’t spend it with him? Would he be happy with out her? All the questions of the day’s events flooded her heart and mind, the anxiety was building.

Suddenly, she clutched her chest and stumbled back against the wall that protected the city. She slid down it slowly to sit on the strip of ground between the city and the edge of the land holding the city in its place. Writhing and crying out in pain, she continued to grab at her chest. Her vision flickered as she tried to calm herself, to breathe as he had asked her so many times to do in the past. Inside of her chest it burned with a fire so hot. Her armor suddenly felt  as if it would suffocate her, closing in slowly all about her to cut off her air and then to crumble her to pieces. With her shaking hands she quickly tossed off her tabard and worked at the latches of her chest plated armor. Gloves were tossed off and slide across the ground, then bracers and her belt. Finally after several moments of struggling with the heavy armor chest plate she managed to pry it from her body. Coughing and gasping for hair she fell to all fours, hanging her head between her shoulders as she took in long deep cooling breaths.

Minutes seemed like hours as she sat there with her nearly bare back against the cold stone of the city wall. Her eyes stared out on the horizon, which was now starting to lighten with the incoming morning. A sunrise. How tragically appropriate. Her head, beaded with sweat across her forehead, rested back against the wall. She closed her eyes over as tears made deep streams on her cheeks. The tears fell to her collarbone and upper chest to stain the white undershirt she wore. She sat there on the cold ground, against a cold wall, with a bone chilling wind swirling around her body, and cried.

***

Hours passed and she was still there. All her tears were dry though and she stared blankly out into the sky that was now light with early morning light. A few small sparrows sung and chirped happily high above her head in a tree just inside the city wall. The sound of their joyous chatter made her smile. But the smile was soon accompanied by tears.

Perhaps Mari was right all along. Her thoughts of the night she spoke with Mari in the Moonglade. Her eyes moved down to read over his words from the letter. He always had such lovely penmanship. Mari was right. Kam had changed. She changed so much that she had no idea who she was anymore. Who was this woman that lay outside Dalaran’s city walls half naked in the dead of cold and early morning light? A paladin of the Light? A knight? A former loving wife? A faithful daughter? Caring sister? Thoughtful friend?

She had no where to go now. Her home. Gone. Given to her best of friends as a gift. She only prayed that he would never know the truth behind the gift. In her heart she did wish the best for Jeryth and Cirah. She felt the sting of jealousy as she thought of them. They seemed perfect for each other. Maybe Dredin was right. That all this time he and Kam had only tried to convince themselves of their love. Perhaps it wasn’t real at all. Perhaps it was forced all this time. She didn’t believe that. She knew that her love was pure of intent and purpose, but she now questioned his.

Had it all been a lie? No… not the beginning. There was a look in his eyes that now she missed terribly. Thinking back on their first evenings together. How shy, how cautious they both were. She opened her heart to him and give it willingly to this man. To this Knight that she wanted for her own. Perhaps it was a selfish pursuit of a prize. She loved him and nothing about her love was selfish. But was it truly selfless? Now she questioned herself and her intentions. He made her question everything about herself.

Suddenly her life seemed to lack a purpose. What would she do now?

The monster within…

February 4, 2009

Kamillia went anxiously to the mailbox, hoping he had already written her back. To her surprise there was a letter waiting there for her. She nearly jumped for joy, overwhelmed with excitement. Taking the letter into her hands, she smiled brightly and hugged it against her chest. She did not open it right away. Instead she chose to wait until she was sitting in front of the Cathedral. Sitting on ‘their’ bench.

For a moment her slender hand rested on the place that he would be sitting if he were there with her. She sighed wistfully, wishing he was there. She had missed him greatly these past days. She was beginning to regret not having contacted him out of fear of distracting him from his work which he seemed so passionate about. Her hand rubbed over the smooth bench for another moment and her mind wandered to the night she met him. He was just as handsome then as he was now. She loved him more now, than she did then. So wary of her feelings, but no longer. Her heart belonged to him, and it always would.

Her thoughts finally faded to bring her back to the present. Anxious, excited fingers tore the envelope from the awaiting letter beneath it. She unfolded the paper. Emerald eyes darted over the lines of the letter.

In the pit of her stomach it felt as if someone had jabbed a punch directly to it. The wind exhaled from her mouth in a loud gust. She buckled over, letting the letter float out of her hand and to the ground. Her face contorted into a visage of disappointment and sadness. Her hopes were carried out on her breath as she sat there trying to catch it.

He would not be meeting with her tonight. He would be busy… This pain she felt in her chest wasn’t her illness. She felt jealous. How come he could not spare a moment for her? Was he really that busy? Was he avoiding her? Had she made him upset? But things seemed fine the other evening when they…

So many thoughts raced through her mind, and she couldn’t understand. She flipped over the sheet of paper and began to write her response. Her eyes wet behind the lashes as she wrote to him that she  understood. In honesty she did understand. Perhaps it was that she was being selfish and wanted all of his time during this moment in her life. Soon enough she would be well enough to travel with him. That thought alone made her smile. She would try on her armor today.

The faint of heart

February 1, 2009

Her head hit the smooth soft grass of the Dalaran Beer Garden. For a moment everything was dark. Her head swam, her chest was tight, and she couldn’t catch her breath no matter how she tried. She could hear their voices calling to her in the dark. Dredin… Jamie… Her eyes fluttered open, but were suddenly blinded by the dimly lit garden lanterns.

Her hands found and gripped any fabric near her. She leaned against the well toned chest of her carrier, whoever that might have been. Her hands clutched to the shirt, fearful of being dropped to the ground.

The rest of the night her head was tight, and voices fell in and out of her ears like the coming and going of ocean waves. All was dark for her…

***

A weakened heart. The words echoed in her head. They pounded in her chest.

“Kamillia.. you MUST take care of yourself. We, as healers, can only do so much for you. You must do the rest.”

She would live her life with the fear that it could all end so suddenly. Never did she think it would be her that could be at risk for such a departure from this life she loved.

Through her mind raced the thoughts and images of all the things she would be leaving behind if something did happen to her…

Dredin

Her loving husband. Always understanding, so sweet, so caring, so devoted to them and their love. They have been through so much together. Over come so many obstacles. She could not bear the thought leaving him alone in this world.

Jeryth

Her very best of friends in this war torn world. He has always been the only constant in her life. Always there when she needed him most, and even in the times when she did not. She knew it would kill him to lose her. He had always been there to pick up the pieces. Who would be there to pick him up?

Mari, Sorinna, Rohun, Mercurio…

All of her other friends. So many people that would weep over her, were she to lose her battle with this sickness.

She had to be strong. This was not the time to be weak, to falter, to waver in any ways. She had to put on a happy face for those about her. They mustn’t know. It would only be cause for worry for them. That was the last thing she wanted. The thought of so many worrying over her, fussing over her… She wouldn’t want it and their fussing would only help in her distancing herself from them.

The walls of the city. The cities she loved. Her home. All of the walls. So many that she had never noticed before. They seemed to creep in further and further in about her. Each day they drew in a bit closer, threatening to cave in on her at any given moment. A trap in her mind.

The air of the world about her was heavy, thick and difficult to take in. Some times it was almost a chore to continue walking, and she found herself stopping often to rest. How had it come to this? A once proud Knight; so true, so tall, so virtuous. She felt disgusted with herself. Unable to even wear her armor for fear of falling to blackness again. It was pathetic. She was nothing with out her cause, with out her duties. But she promised him that she would rest and regain her strength, and she planned to keep that promise.

Never did such things like this ever cross her mind. Never. What would she do now? What could she do? All she could do was wait for her body to heal, as slowly as it might be. She had to be patient. If not for herself, but for him and for them. They were worth being patient for. To wait for the healing. They were always worth it. He always was.