What now?

February 5, 2009

CccrrrAAAAAAACKKKKK

Jamie stumbled backwards to fall against the curb of the side walk in front of A Hero’s Welcome after Kam’s heavy plate gauntlet that encased her fist made contact with his jawline. Kam stood there trembling as she stared at him hard and cold. She hated him. He deserved what she did to him. And he was lucky that she was so composed. She wanted nothing more to lunge at him again. It didn’t help the pain. It didn’t help anything at all. It was something she felt she needed to do. She knew he wasn’t worth the effort, but he pushed her to her limit. Her temper managed to get the better of her in the situation.

Jamie was right, though. Of course she was still in love with him. Even if his heart had wandered, she would always love him. He was her world, even… even if she did not always show it. He meant everything to her. When he walked away from her he took her heart with him. She felt so hollow, so empty, so void. A numbness came over her body. She felt nothing from her neck below. She may as well have been one of the walking dead. Her mannerisms were very similar; only responding when called, staring off at nothing, a slow deliberate speech, calculated movements.

Then there he was. He had seen what she had done to Jamie. All of the hurt returned when she saw his green eyes. Her pounding heart that no longer beat in her chest, seemed to be beating in her ears. Another fainting spell? No. She wouldn’t allow it. Her hand slipped into her tabard and crumpled the pages of the letter he had just sent her, not an hour before all of this had happened. A letter that just tore at her emptiness, making it larger within her.

With reluctance, she turned to leave, raising her head up so that the blood could flow back into it. As she walked the street swayed and wavered. She would have to leave their eyes before she collapsed again. Kam was not in her peek condition but she had nothing else to do with her time. She was not going to stay in Stormwind and Ironforge. She was not going to remain in Dalaran. The thought of seeing him again and not being able to walk up to him to slip her hand into his, to kiss his cheek softly… the thought of not being able to do those things brought heavy tears into her eyes.

After she rounded the corner from Jamie and Dredin, she broke into a full sprint across the city. Her lungs burned for air as she continued to run. Her, all but dead, heart beat furiously against her chest. But she continued to run. She ran to the limit of the great city of Dalaran to stand on a high ledge. Down below her was Crystalsong Forest. It was several thousand of feet to the land below her. Slowly, she inched her way forward and leaned to peer over the ledge to the scene below. The heavy cold wind whipped all about her which caused her, now, short cropped hair to fly messily about her face. Slowly and carefully she breathed. Her mind was racing with all the thoughts of the day behind her; Would she be able to live with out him? What was left for her now? Where would she go? What was her life if she couldn’t spend it with him? Would he be happy with out her? All the questions of the day’s events flooded her heart and mind, the anxiety was building.

Suddenly, she clutched her chest and stumbled back against the wall that protected the city. She slid down it slowly to sit on the strip of ground between the city and the edge of the land holding the city in its place. Writhing and crying out in pain, she continued to grab at her chest. Her vision flickered as she tried to calm herself, to breathe as he had asked her so many times to do in the past. Inside of her chest it burned with a fire so hot. Her armor suddenly felt  as if it would suffocate her, closing in slowly all about her to cut off her air and then to crumble her to pieces. With her shaking hands she quickly tossed off her tabard and worked at the latches of her chest plated armor. Gloves were tossed off and slide across the ground, then bracers and her belt. Finally after several moments of struggling with the heavy armor chest plate she managed to pry it from her body. Coughing and gasping for hair she fell to all fours, hanging her head between her shoulders as she took in long deep cooling breaths.

Minutes seemed like hours as she sat there with her nearly bare back against the cold stone of the city wall. Her eyes stared out on the horizon, which was now starting to lighten with the incoming morning. A sunrise. How tragically appropriate. Her head, beaded with sweat across her forehead, rested back against the wall. She closed her eyes over as tears made deep streams on her cheeks. The tears fell to her collarbone and upper chest to stain the white undershirt she wore. She sat there on the cold ground, against a cold wall, with a bone chilling wind swirling around her body, and cried.

***

Hours passed and she was still there. All her tears were dry though and she stared blankly out into the sky that was now light with early morning light. A few small sparrows sung and chirped happily high above her head in a tree just inside the city wall. The sound of their joyous chatter made her smile. But the smile was soon accompanied by tears.

Perhaps Mari was right all along. Her thoughts of the night she spoke with Mari in the Moonglade. Her eyes moved down to read over his words from the letter. He always had such lovely penmanship. Mari was right. Kam had changed. She changed so much that she had no idea who she was anymore. Who was this woman that lay outside Dalaran’s city walls half naked in the dead of cold and early morning light? A paladin of the Light? A knight? A former loving wife? A faithful daughter? Caring sister? Thoughtful friend?

She had no where to go now. Her home. Gone. Given to her best of friends as a gift. She only prayed that he would never know the truth behind the gift. In her heart she did wish the best for Jeryth and Cirah. She felt the sting of jealousy as she thought of them. They seemed perfect for each other. Maybe Dredin was right. That all this time he and Kam had only tried to convince themselves of their love. Perhaps it wasn’t real at all. Perhaps it was forced all this time. She didn’t believe that. She knew that her love was pure of intent and purpose, but she now questioned his.

Had it all been a lie? No… not the beginning. There was a look in his eyes that now she missed terribly. Thinking back on their first evenings together. How shy, how cautious they both were. She opened her heart to him and give it willingly to this man. To this Knight that she wanted for her own. Perhaps it was a selfish pursuit of a prize. She loved him and nothing about her love was selfish. But was it truly selfless? Now she questioned herself and her intentions. He made her question everything about herself.

Suddenly her life seemed to lack a purpose. What would she do now?

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