The end of her lance struck the draenei in the shoulder and this time it flung him from the back of his elekk. Kam smiled proudly. She knew she had won this round, but she was not so confident of the next to come. With a small break of the others playing with their toy Tonks, she was up on the back of an Argent steed once again to face another opponent. This time it was an elf with silver hair. He had beaten her. He was obviously more skilled and thus he bested her. She bowed to him and thanked him for the fine duel. Moments later Sven called for her to duel once again, but this time with a gnome. She was also a Death Knight. And this gnome bested Kamillia as well. Perhaps she was tired and losing focus. Kam knew the truth. She was not very good at jousting, but she wished to participate regardless of her lack of skill. And even with her skill lacking, she had surprised herself by passing the first round of duels.

All of her friends who had come to the event had cheered for her to win. In some part of her Kam felt like she had disappointed them by not performing better. But Kam knew her limitations. She was very skilled in many things, but jousting was not one of them. Ah well… it was all in good fun, or so she told herself. It truly was in all good fun. She was enjoying herself, even if it was not her who won the four hundred gold purse. That money would have been nice though. She cringed inwardly as she felt slightly jealous of the winner who received the prize. Strange… her jealousy was seeming to show itself quite often as of late. She was not normally a jealous person. It was indeed odd, and Kam noted the sudden appearance of the emotion. Then again she never did have much to be jealous of in the past. Things have changed as of late.

The events of the evening passed on, and she enjoyed fine conversation and company from her friends. Even those she did not expect to see came to enjoy the festivities as well. Kinma and Jeryth are two examples of that. Eventius was another. Eventius… his behavior was unusual, or at least Kam thought it unusual for the man she knew and called friend. She seemed to cling to her and hang on her word. That was not unusual for him since at one time he had feelings for Kamillia. She, of course, had put a stop to that before it could have gone further than either of them were willing to prepare for. He had changed much since then though, and not for the better in her mind. He wrapped himself in some sort of cult and it appeared to Kamillia that they had brainwashed him. Eventius did many bad things and had apologized for them all, but… this new fascination he seemed to have for Kamillia bothered her slightly. She wondered where it stemmed from, and if she could find the source of it. Her other friends, Jeryth and Kinma, had come. She was so pleased to see them and they both seemed in high spirits. That alone made Kamillia smile.

The crowd moved to the feast which was to toast the Champions of the evenings duels as well as the battle of the Tonks. The winner of that contest was never announced. Kam did not hear anything at least. The feast was fine. Plenty of food for all those who gathered. There was talk of the auction being the next item in the list of activities. Kamillia frowned as Jeryth excused himself to finish his duties. She only wondered what sort of duties were more important than spending time with his friend. Then again he was never quite the same since his accident. That had changed him forever and it was only something Kamillia would have to accept in time. But her mind was soon brought to the idea of the auction. She could only hope that she would be able to win the person who her eye had been set upon all evening, and that he would want the same from her. Only time would tell.

Of course her interest was up to auction first, and some five thousand gold later she had won herself a date with the handsome man. She felt odd about paying for a man to take her to dinner, but she had done it. There was always a first for everything. She watched the others after him go up one at a time. Those in their seats calling out their bids for the men and women on the stage before her. Kamillia even tossed out a few other bids just for the sheer fun. She was soon outbid, but she cared little. She had what she wished for and was pleased with it. As time went on, Sven would call her name to be on the stage for others to bid on. If she had not opted into the auctions weeks ago she would have removed hers. Walking up to the small platform, she could see the appraising eyes of the crowd upon her. She drew her fur lined cloak about her shoulders as a light breeze swept about her. She almost expected it to begin snowing right there and then. The chill of the air was beginning to grow though none of the others seemed to notice but her.

Sven had upped the price of her bidding to three thousand gold. Perhaps he was hoping no else would bid on her and he could have an evening with Kamillia. She could only pray that someone, anyone, would bid after him. Luckily, and to her relief, the one she had bid on earlier in the evening also bid on her, then another did and so forth the bidding continued. And it continued… up to eleven thousand gold. The gold was -supposed- to go to the one who was being auctioned. Kam would never, ever, take such a sum from someone. Especially not a friend, and not… Kinma? At least it was not that arrogant Night elf who had called all the humans at the event savages. Yet, the event that -he- was invited to was being held by a human. A puzzling concept to Kamillia. But such things could be so puzzling about humans as well. Those who are racist and closed minded.

The evening finally came to a close. Such a full night for her and she could feel sleep calling to her. A warm bed in the warm city of Ironforge. Her sleep would be much needed, but not entirely peaceful. Her mind wandered to other things, more pressing matters than evenings jousting and winning dates. To possible endings of friendships and the development of new love interests. The impossible amount of possible outcomes for coming events flooded her mind as she flew on Ara’s back towards Dalaran and towards home. The unknown of it all worried Kamillia, but if she knew the future there would be no need to ever worry. And if she never worried, she wondered what she’d do with herself then.

Lying in her bed and staring up at the ceiling of her home, the night’s events played in her mind. It certainly was an evening of Champions and Savages, or at least to that one Night Elf it was. A smirk came to her lips as sleep tugged at her mind and body.

May 25th

May 26, 2009

I am having nightmares again. They returned just two evenings ago. I have been traveling into Ulduar again for nearly a week now. But… we have stepped further into the unknown than we had previously. They call it the Descent into Madness. I would never believe such things if I had not experienced it myself. The madness that was in my mind… I do not wish on my very worst enemy.

Things have been… difficult. Not only have I been sleeping less because of the dreams, but my work is beginning to pile. I dive into it head first. I never seem to finish. I never seem to catch up to myself. I always have more work. I suppose in some ways I should be thankful. I should be grateful that I have work at all. If they knew of my illness… they might strip my of my position. Though I have not been in much pain recently. Not since that one evening. I did have a mild attack several evenings ago.  I just hope I continue to feel well. The healers told me that I had to be mindful. I have been working myself far too much as of late and I have been putting myself under extreme stress. I should know better, but the work keeps me from thinking about other things.

Other things… so many other things. I yelled at Malafir tonight. And he yelled at me. Then Mari agreed with what he had said to me, since the arguing took place in front of both Maricella and Kinma. That was never something I wanted either of them to see. Especially not Mari. It was possibly the worse scenario I could have imagined. Kinma… I have not seen him in months. Mari, who I have not seen in days if not a week. They both get to see me at my worse. When my heart is literally breaking before them. How could he… how could Malafir treat me like that when only days before he was willing to marry me? To make a life with me? Am I nothing to him now? Have I already been replaced?

But his words are true. I never think of myself. I always place others before my own well being. Am I a needless martyr? Perhaps I am. Always blaming myself for everything. I take the blame of things I can not even help. So self-sacrificing. Too self-sacrificing. I could blame all of this on someone else, but then I would be no better than him. Were he still alive, he might enjoy my anguish. I hate talking about him now. It just always makes me upset. Angry… sad… all sorts of emotions come back to me when thinking of him. I would rather not.

I have been such a miserable woman for so long. I feel as if I am never happy. I just never thought others saw it so clearly. Do I wear my heart on my sleeve? Apparently I do. Everyone wants me to be happy. They all want to make me happy, but how can they do that if I do not even know how to make myself happy? I suppose that discovery is something that may take me a very long time to find.

I should just be thankful that I am not in the Stockades this evening for forged documents. Zengu… he is so… absolutely stupid. What if I was unable to get him out of there? He would be there still now? Or worse… he would be dead. I hope he never comes back to Stormwind.Though I am sure he will. I did promise I would think over his words. To reconsider my decision. I know I promised him, but… my decision is final. I can not waver on it now, or I will be right back to where I began with this mess.

I still have yet to hear from Jeryth, and apparently neither has his family. I am not surprised that he has not written me, but his family? That is very unlike the Jeryth I know. Then again… he is very much not the Jeryth I used to know. I would write him, but I doubt he wants to hear from me now. I miss him. I wish he were still here with me. I need him more than I thought I did. Mari is wonderful and I love her, but… Jeryth is always who I will need. I just think it is too late to admit that to him now. I waited too long. My window of opportunity has passed me by. Just as Malafir said to me tonight… I am letting opportunities pass me while I wallow in my sorrow and grief. How true those words are now.

Everything feels so… blurred. Nothing is definite. All of it is a mess of color and sound. All of the emotions of the past few weeks, the nightmares, my declining physical and mental health. I feel like all I do is complain anymore. Is that normal? I suppose it is. Everyone complains about something. Everyone feels regretful or sorrowful about something. I am not so alone. I know that. I just wish I did not feel this way.  I know I can change it, but… will I just slip back into this state of mine once again? Some nights I wonder what happened to the strong vibrant woman I used to once be. The one who knew what she wanted in life and would go out of her way to acquire it. That same woman was the one who left behind a love to search for greater strengths of mind and body. The same woman who fell at the feet of a man who walked away from her. Who blamed her to be the reason for his infidelity. The very same woman who now writes in this journal and mourns what she used to be instead of working towards a brighter future. And thus I have some full circle.

To Zengu

May 21, 2009

Dear Zengu,

There is something very important I must speak with you about. If you would meet me in the Crystalsong Forest by the lake when it is best for you I would greatly appreciate it.

I hope you are well. I shall see you soon, my friend.


~Kamillia

May 20th

May 21, 2009

I suppose it has been too long since I made an entry. I have been busy. I have been away from home.

Holidays do not seem to last long enough. So far away from the cares and troubles of my everyday life. I only wish I never had to return to them. To leave them all behind. But… no. I can not. They need me. They need my help, and I will give up everything for them. But… at what cost? I have no life outside of my duties. Ah, well that is not true. My priorities have changed much since… him. A shame that it took me this long to realize what I needed to do and who I needed to be. But I imagine everyone encounters the very same when they are trying to change. At least I can say now that I am changing.

But have I changed for the better? Am I the better person now than I was before I met him? He changed me, yes, but I also changed myself. I saw my mistakes and I never wanted to do them again. I think I have changed to be a better person, but then again I fear I have not.

As my thoughts bring me to recent events. The tears of my heart in three, no… four. It used to be four. Until Jeryth left me. A final goodbye in the place I love most; Nagrand. I will forever remember that. How he turned from me. I miss him even now. Even now I shed tears for him. My house is so empty, so cold with out him. Am I just finding someone else to fill his place in my heart? A void he left when he decided that enough was enough. Had I really been so blind of his affections for so long? Even when I met Clementis and the other. And now? He never wavered. Until… I suppose after so many years one would have waited enough and wish to be seen and heard by those of their hidden affections. I wonder at times if I would have done the very same thing he has. Then again… I know I would have waited until my dying breath for him. And something tells me that I may be doing just that indeed.

The others… Malafir, Vaniel, Zengu. They each have amazing qualities. As much as I enjoy my time with Zengu… the gap between us is difficult. I thought of him as I lay in bed last night. What if we met on some contested field of land? One of the battlegrounds? What would we do? Would we stop fighting? What would our pause do? Would we only encounter ridicule from our peers? Such a fate as ours is not possible. We will never be as he wishes for us to be. I only hope that he might find someone who loves him as much as I could have. Someone who loves him for who he is and not for the color of his skin or the flag of which he fights under. I am not the one he seeks.

Vaniel. My sweet, sweet Vaniel. So kind, so caring. So gentle, and calm. The star in my darkest of places. A shining light when all other lights have gone out. He was there for me when others were not. He was stubborn enough to face my own stubborness head on. I do love him. I do. He is so young, yet he carries the weight of the world upon his shoulders. So proud of him I am. So very proud. He has become a Knight of the Holy Order. The same Order as myself. A paladin for his people. A paladin for me. A fairy-tale story it would be. Two Knights in love, married and together in their lives to face that which threatens their world. Fighting side by side until the end of their days. Anyone would want such a story for their life. But… is it the story I wish for my own?

And Malafir… Ah, Malafir… Not long ago I wished for him to simply notice me and now he is offering me marriage and the opportunity to raise a family with him. How things change so quickly… It seemed that only yesterday I would only see him in passing, and now I see him nearly every evening. He has all that a woman would ever need or wish for. He is handsome, wealthy, kind, caring. He could provide for his family and be a marvelous husband to any wife. A kind and firm parent to any child. I could retire from my position as a Knight and let those like Vaniel take my place in battle. I could marry Malafir and rear his children. Would I be happy in such a life? Could I give up everything I have worked so hard to obtain?

I have known the touch of their lips. The feel of their hold. Their arms around me. Each of them offer something unique that the other does not have. When I close my eyes… I can see each other their faces. Who does my heart wish for? What does my heart tell me? If only it were easier than this. What I want? I have never known what I wanted. Perhaps I should tell them all that it will never be and simply live alone for the rest of my days, or I could take Mari up on her previous offer. Oh that would send them reeling, I am sure of it.

To think I have caused all of this because of my indecisiveness. I would probably be best just telling them all no. That way there is no one to hurt. No one who will feel left to the side. I believe that might be the very best decision. I shall speak with each of them separately and explain my decision.

The last chapter…

May 16, 2009

“You should follow him.”

“Why?”

“You love him.”

“Yes…”

“Then you should follow him.”

Kam shook her head slowly, lowering her eyes to the dusty ground.

“No… perhaps it is best this way, Ara. Perhaps it is best.”

“No, devout one. It is not, but you have convinced yourself that it is. Like him, you have given up.”

Ara stretched her wings out and gave a silent yawn.

“A shame that is. Such a shame…”

Kamillia watched Jeryth walk off on his saber. She knew in her heart that would most likely be the last time she ever saw him, and already she missed him so. The memories of their times together flooded her mind. Her eyes pooled with tears. She wiped them with the back of her hand, hoping no one would see her cry for him.

Inside she felt angry with him. So deeply hurt that he would give up so many years as friends for something so selfish. She also felt incredibly saddened. Never did she think he would have walked away from her forever. Now she was staring at his back. That would be the last way she saw him. The last memory of him.

Ara flew down to Kam from her perch on a nearby building and walked up to her paladin friend slowly. With her large muzzle, Ara nudged Kam lightly. Without so much as a sound, Kam threw herself on to Ara’s back and wept. High into the night sky of Nagrand Ara carried them. There Kam could cry and cry and no one would see or hear her. Ara sighed inwardly to hear Kam in so much pain. It would not be the first time Ara had seen Kam in such a state, but it was the first time Ara felt truly sorry for her friend.

Laying on her back and looking up into a star filled sky, Kam continued to cry. This chapter of her life was over and he was never coming back to her.

May 11th

May 12, 2009

I had a dream last night.

I saw his face. His arms around me. His lips touched mine and we were sailing. We sailed the star filled sky on a ship that he captained with ease. I rested in his arms and my own wrapped about him, holding him to myself tightly. He was warm and gentle in his touch. We journeyed through the night sky. The time was ours alone.

We found an island in the sky where his magnificent ship was docked. He lowered the anchor to the air below the island. The ship remained unmoved as we walked down the lowered plank to the island. The tree was tall and lush, and the grass the greenest green I have ever seen. The stars above us danced as he lay me into the grass.

His touch was careful. His touch was passionate. He tossed away my clothes from my body, allowing me to bathe in the moonlight. My skin glowed under the light of the full moon. I gazed up at him, but his face was dark. I could not see any of the defining features of his face that would tell me who he was. Though I did not see his face, I knew his touch. I knew his kiss. I knew the smell of his breath on my face as he bent over to press his lips eagerly into mine.

As he pressed into me, and our bodies meshed into one, a strong swift wind came from the north to drape us in cold. I shivered under his warmth, closing my eyes tightly. Upon opening my eyes again, the wind was still blowing violently all around us and I could see his eyes. His eyes were the only features I could see on his face. They faded from bright azure blue, to brown, to blue, and to green, then they faded to nothing. He… just… faded away. With the wind, he was gone. Like sand in the palm of my hand. Swept away into the breeze. On the wind I heard a voice. It called for me. It called my name, but I did not know the voice. He was gone before I could respond.

I woke up. I sat up in my bed confused. I am still confused. I never saw who the man was in my dream. I did not know his voice and his eyes… ever changing. I sit here writing this and wonder who he was. Perhaps the dream was the manifestation of the hesitance in my heart. The uncertainty that lingered there.

I need to make a decision, and it needs to be soon.

Jeryth… he left me. He left it all to me. What did he think? That his belongings would make it alright for him to just cut himself from my life? I can not believe he is just… gone. I never wanted him to leave. Was it really worth leaving so many years of friendship behind? Was my love really worth turning his back on me completely? I would never walk away from him. Was I selfish to expect that he would stay even though he could not have me? Perhaps I was. I wish… I wish I never knew about his feelings for me. I wish I could return them. Just so confused. All of this is so confusing.

How I just wish I could hide from it all. Just to hide away. Place myself into the blackest hole.

May 4th

May 5, 2009

I have never kept a journal in my life, but this was recommended to me as a means to express myself. I suppose it was a fine idea since I am doing that now.

I always saw journals as the sort of things brilliant and creative minds kept so that all of their marvelous ideas would not be lost in the vast brilliance of their minds. What am I? A simple blacksmith and pathetic Knight of the Holy Order.

Yes. Pathetic. I am a poor excuse for a Knight. So easily manipulated. So easily persuaded. I always heard of others being the ones to turn, but never did I think it would be myself. I always thought I was so strong, so impermeable. And I was never proven wrong in such a horrid way before. Of course the powers that acted against me were those that are beyond my control or the control of anyone else. Even the mighty Titans have fallen to the whispers of the Old God. I should not be blaming myself. But… I can not help it.

I should have known better. I should have been more prepared.

Just… frustrating.

My thoughts seem to never settle in one place. I hope that my upcoming holiday will help with that. I can sleep as much or as little as I wish. Do some fishing and enjoy the land that is Nagrand.

I am beginning to feel like I have failed. That I failed my people, my kingdom, and my family. I have failed so many times. Fallen through on all of that which I set out to do. I am beginning to think that I will never be able to do anything right.

Now I’m just wallowing again. I really should stop that. It is counterproductive to what I am trying to do. I can not pity myself. I must remain confident in my abilities. I just always found that so difficult to do.

To Zengu

May 1, 2009

Dear Zengu,

I am not quite sure if this letter is something you wish to see or not. I am not quite sure if you are upset with me, or not. If you are then please accept this apology. Anything I may have said to you in the past week that was upsetting, please know it was not me who said those things. I cannot explain it, but I was not myself.

I truly am sorry. I hope that you might be able to find it in your heart to forgive me. If you allow it… I can try my best to tell you what happened, but not in this letter. I would much rather tell you in person than through ink and paper.

I shall hope that I am able to see you soon, my friend. It was your words that pulled me from such darkness, your words and the words of those who I also hold so dear to my heart.

May the gods watch over you always.

Always,

~Kamillia LeVante~

Kamillia?

Kam? Can you hear me?

Kami? Come back to us.

Kamillia… please… you have to come back. I miss you.

We need you, Kam.

I need you, Kamillia.

The voices faded in out of her mind like water passing down a gently slopping hillside, but soon to follow were the other voices. Those were darker and heavier. They weighed her down and threatened to drown her.

You have no friends.

They are all deceiving you.

All they want is to ruin you.

Do not give into them.

Trapped in the turmoil of words, she struggled to find her way to the top. She could see the light, but it was dim. The light was so far away. Run as she might, she never had the strength to fight against the dark presence so deeply rooted in her mind. Gripping hands always pulled her back into the darkness, and the voices of those she loved faded away with the light that brought her hope.

***

Three days have passed. Three days she’s slept. Three days she’s battled in the inner demon that held her mind prisoner. Three days… three long, terrifying, and agonizing days.

Today. Today she would put a stop to this madness that her mind had been pulled into.

***

Their faces were all around her. She could see them now. The faces of her friends. The faces of those she loved so dearly. The ones who have always been at her side.

Something in her clicked. As if one turning a notch in a gear. The pieces fell together. The light that was so far away grew closer and closer. She reached out to it and drew it within her. The darkness, the presence, melted away under the warmth of the light, evaporating like steam.

In a swift motion, she sat up from the bed with her eyes wide. Dilated pupils adjusted to the light in the room, and she winced slightly. Sliding her legs to the side of the bed, she settled her bare feet on the floor. She found herself not in her armor from the last she had remembered herself being, but in a soft silk night dress, a rather conservative one at that. She inwardly thanked Mari. Mari. Kam looked around the room for anyone. She tried to call out, but her throat was so dry, she had no voice to use. Carefully she rose to her feet. Her knees nearly gave out from under her, she felt so weak after having been asleep for so many days.

Kam searched the room of the house she was not familiar with and looked for someone she knew. It had to be the home of a friend, or the home of a friend’s friend. Mari would not let her be somewhere that was not safe. As Kam continued to look for someone, anyone, her passed by a mirror that was hanging on the wall. She turned to look at her reflection and was simply amazed by what she saw. Dear gods… what had happened to her hair? The long locks of red were one large tangled mess. Had no one bothered to brush her hair while she slept? The mess of hair on her head was evidence enough that no one did. She looked around for a brush, but found nothing. Not even her fingers could untangle the mess of hair. Luckily for her and not her hair, a small cutting utensil, probably a letter opener, was close by. She brought it to her long hair and began the slow process of cutting the tangles out of her hair. About Kam’s feet were the remains of her tangled hair. Around her face were the tattered bits of what was left. Once having reached the middle of her back, it now rested around her shoulders and face.

Finding a writing quill, ink well, and paper, she began to write out several letters. Her hand moved shakily over the paper, but the words were at least legible. After she was finished writing each out, she held them tightly and left the strange home. Strange no one was there to stop her from leaving. Now her missing was to find a mailbox and see that each of these letters were delivered to those who deserved them.

It was morning of the fourth day. She had discovered from a near by fruit vendor. She felt awake and like herself again. She only hoped the damage that was caused was not beyond being repairable.