July 27th

July 27, 2009

I saw them together…

He was in her arms. Her head rested against his shoulder. They looked…

I felt the rage build up in me. The rage that was I trained to hold deep down inside of myself. Paladins are not angry or vengeful. We are vassals of the Light, and the Light requires purity to flow through. I was so angry when I saw them together. I wanted to yell and scream. To break anything my hands could grab hold of. I have never felt so angry before. It frightened me.

How could he allow himself to be wrapped in her arms? The arms of a woman who is not his wife. Arms that do not belong to me. Why was it not me sitting there with him near the fire? Holding him, comforting him, relieving the stress of his battles with a massage? Oh, she is his healer. His personal healer. How did she plan to heal him? In bed? Whilst on his back and her on top?

I never even knew he frequented Valiance Keep. I was there on an errand. How strange the events brought this to light. Perhaps it was fate? The work of the gods? The Light?

Then she acts as if there was never anything that she did wrong. As casual as if she were having tea with him. And he? He acted rather… casual as well. So willing to accept my yellings, until I seemed to say something wrong. He accused me of comparing him to Dredin. I would never do that. Dredin is not half the man Malafir is. But… Dredin did find comfort in the arms of another. And now Malafir seems to be doing the same. Is it something I have done?

What is wrong with me? Am I not enough for him? Am I not a good wife? Do I spend too much time at my duties? Is it my reluctance to begin a family with him now? He knows why I want to wait, and he agrees. But is it only to satiate me?  Does he resent me? But we have a family now. We have Alluantha. I adore that little one… I simply adore her. A mother I have become in such a short time and never having to bear her. I have become the mother she never knew.

On top of all of this… I feel… odd. A strange pull at my feet, leading me to the west. Though my mind is clouded with all of this regarding Malafir, I cannot help but have my thoughts drawn away from it to the Moonglade. I should probably visit there soon. Something tells me that it would be good. Perhaps the solace of the place will bring me peace and calm in these times. Gods know I need it.  I shall travel there soon for some time away to clear my mind. Perhaps I am overracting in all of this. I am finding things that are not there, fabricated by my own lack of self confidence.

I cannot help but feel that I have done something so terrible in my life that I am being punished for it by having my marriages disolve. Well… Malafir and I are still married. Perhaps this is just a bump in the road to happiness. I just hope we are able to reconcile it. I shall pray on the matter tonight, and then tomorrow in the Cathedral as well. The Light will bring an answer to me. I know it shall. I am one of its most devout.

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July 14th

July 14, 2009

For some reason I feel compelled to write about something, anything, but I cannot think of what to write about exactly.

But the longer I stare at this page, the more things come to mind. Perhaps there was a reason I felt called to open this journal again after what seems so long.

Malafir did a strange thing the other evening. With out consulting me, or even simply mentioning it, he asked Vaniel to be the godfather of his child, my step-daughter. I am not entirely sure what to think about it all, really. I wonder how hurt Vaniel must still be. It is clearly obvious. Things between he and I are awkward, at best. There really is no other way to say it.

I look at him and I see all the hurt I inflicted upon him. How I simply brushed him to the side after all he had done for me. Granted, I should not have felt obligated to be with him simply because he was my friend during the time Dredin decided to end our marriage, but I owed him so much more than what he has received from me. Why he even lingers is beyond me. There are times where I wish he would just become so angry with me that he felt there was no other choice but to write me from his life. Then I could no longer hurt him.

But then… is that selfish of me? Am I wishing for such things so it will be easier for me? I have come to doubt myself much as of late; if my intentions for others are not just some form of selfish decision on my part. Wondering if all I do is not in some way to benefit me. To make myself feel better. So that MY life can be simpler, less worrisome. There are some who would call me valiant, a martyr. Giving up things that I want for the things that others want. And then are those who would call me selfish and vain, for trying to find peace in my life. Ah peace… another story completely. One I fear I do not have enough parchment to write all that I wish for in that bit pf peace.

I want wish desire hope that someday he and I will be able to put our past behind us. Again to be selfish… do I want that? Do I want to push the memory of our times together out of my mind? So much conflict in my emotions. In my feelings. I can only imagine what he must be feeling. I always run away before he can ever tell me. So I honestly have no idea how he must be feeling about this new proposition, or about anything for that matter.

But I digress…

I met someone. Not a suitor. Goodness no. But someone that I feel I should have met so much sooner than I have. Several evenings ago while awaiting my summon to the gates of Ulduar a tall Kaldorei woman approached me. Long hair the color of a midnight sky, soft eyes, and a gentle smile. Though she did not smile much while speaking with me. She was so cryptic with me at first. And admitted to being so! Really… anyone could imagine my confusion with someone you do not know coming to you and speaking with you as if you should know them in return.

As we continued to speak she could see my growing frustration. She knew my name, yet I did not know hers. She knew my affiliates and still I knew not hers. This continued on for several minutes until she finally e to have enough of her game.

Acaysia Silverspring is her name. I knew she looked familiar in some way. Her eyes, the same color hair. Even the armor, though it fit her differently than him. Jeryth’s daughter. My dearest friend passed with out ever knowing what a wonderful legacy he left behind in this world. Her features softer than his, from her mother of course, her skin a pale rose and her hair the very same shade as his. Her eyes are what should have told me who she was the moment I turned to look at her. They are his eyes. Even his smile. Her mannerisms, so… so similar to his, yet he had no hand in raising her. So strange.

A past lover of Jeryth’s bore this marvelous woman I gazed upon. From what Acaysia told me, Jeryth and her mother were lovers on and off through out time. Never being able to commit themselves to being mate due to their duties to their paths. She to hers and he to his. An evening of passion led to her conception. Never did Jeryth or his family know of the life that would be brought into this world. His lover feared that if she were to tell him or his family of her impending pregnancy they would then be looked down upon by their society, and since Jeryth was born into nobility. Well… it is obvious from there. So kept hidden from him and his lot for centuries, only to be let out into the light of the moon when hearing of his passing.

I do not agree with keeping the child, now woman, a secret. But… there is still much about their culture I do not understand. I only wish he could have seen what his daughter has grown to be. What sort of woman she is. How proud he would be of her. She comes with my allies now to the gates of Ulduar; filling his position in our ranks. She does not know anyo of us, yet she is willing to fight with us because her late father had done so. How admirable.

Seeing her… I miss him. I see so much of him in her. The way she moves, her smile, her eyes. I will protect her. I will not let anything happen to her. I will not be careless. She will be safe, even if it may cost me my life. I will see to it.

Heartache Every Moment

July 11, 2009

From lashes to ashes,

And from lust to dust.

In your sweetest torment I’m lost,

And no heaven can help us.

Ready, willing and able… to lose it all,

For a kiss so fatal and so warm.

Deeper into our heavenly suffering.

Our fragile souls are falling.

I sense the danger,

But don’t want to give up.

There’s no smile of an angel

With out the wrath of God.

**Lyrics written by Ville Valo of HIM**

July 6th

July 6, 2009

Things are… going well, all things considered.

I miss Jeryth with each passing day. I always think of him. I can only pray that he is resting peacefully now. And I pray that his family does not continue to dislike me. I know it was my fault… I just… I can not dwell on it. I will make myself sick.

I was married. Again. It seems so strange to say ‘again’, but I am. I had my reservations at first, but I quickly moved past those. I am truly happy with Malafir. He is a good man. He is however diving himself head first into his work. I worry about his safety. I know that he has his obligations and I would never stop him, but… his refusal for healing worries me. I only wish for him to be free of pain. I worry far too much. I always have. But I could be like some people who never worry. It shows that I am concerned and that I care. At least I continue to tell myself that.

I only hope all stays as wonderful as it is. Things are just short of being perfect.